On Parenting

Last week, I had the following exchange on Facebook with one of my oldest friends, Jessica.

I laid in bed on Tuesday night in Mom and Daddy's guest room, with Vince sleeping soundly beside me, and the thoughts just starting flowing.  I scribbled down some notes and got around to forming coherent sentences earlier this week.  

I have to say: I'm pretty proud of the message that I sent to my dear friend.  I'm no expert on parenting, and I try hard not to give advice unless it's specifically asked of me, but I do know that we've done a better-than-okay job with our boys thus far.  And that I have some worthy thoughts to share.

To Jess and all my other dear friends who are soon-to-be first-time mommies, and for anyone else who cares to read, and for me to go back and read myself when I need a reminder that I'm doing pretty okay at this parenting thing: here's the result.

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I'm sure you hear this all the time, but you are at such an exciting point in your life.  There will never again be a time when you're "just" a couple but so focused on becoming a family.  Your message with the request for "words of wisdom" really made me think.  Parenting for the last 4+ years has been the greatest challenge and greatest privilege of my life (some days in that order and some days vice versa) and now that things are easier (I'll never say "easy," but it's all relative), I'm so happy to look back on what I think has made us successful in parenting so far.  

So here goes.

ON PARENTING
1. Trust your instincts.  Mothers have borne babies for millions of years and there is nothing more natural than it.  You may not have a medical degree or years of experience, but you have something much more powerful: your gut reaction.  Trust it.

2. They're (mostly) not breakable.  Newborns, babies, toddlers, preschoolers, etc. are much, much more resilient than they get credit for.  Yes, handle them with kid-gloves, but know that you won't break them.

3. Let others judge away.  If you haven't encountered them already, you'll meet plenty of judge-y moms.  Epidural? No epidural? Breastfeeding? Formula feeding? Vaccinations? No vaccinations?  And those are just the big topics.  What brand of diapers, how many Mommy and Me classes, which sleep training method ... there are a million decisions to make and for some reason, other mothers (and the general public) feel like they have a right to weigh in on your personal choices.  Let them judge away.  You just do what you feel is right for you, your family, your baby.

STAYING SANE
1. Think of the first month as survival - period.  Your goal is to get through each day - period.  If thinking about that is too daunting ...

2. Consider each day in small chunks of time.  I remember when Vince was a newborn and I could honestly only plan in 3 hour chunks of time.  "I'm nursing at 8am, then I'll go to Target, then he'll nurse again at 11am."  That was the length of planning I could go to.  Sometimes it's just too much to think about an entire day at a time.

3. After doing the "have tos" do the "want tos".  There are going to be lots of things you HAVE to do that are non-negotiable.  At least once a day (hopefully), you'll have time for a WANT to.  Pick those things carefully.  Want to take a shower instead of writing thank you notes?  Do it.  Want to sleep instead of washing dishes?  Do it.  Pay attention to your WANT tos.

KEEPING A MARRIAGE STRONG
1. Start from a strong base.  There were so, so many times right after we brought Vince home that I thought about people who had accidentally gotten pregnant and were caring for a newborn with someone they barely knew.  You are going to be at your most raw right after the baby comes and your world is going to be shaken up in ways you can't imagine until you experience it.  So it's really important that the person that you're experiencing all of this with is someone with whom you have a strong foundation of a relationship.  KNOW that you will make it through the experience together.  Along the same lines ...

2. Have the big conversations beforehand.  Circumcisions, vaccinations, parenting style in general (attachment parenting, co-sleeping, etc. for example) are important topics to discuss before you are stressed out and sleep deprived and not at your best or most articulate.  They are big decisions to make (not that you don't have the right to change your mind once the bundle arrives) and I think they are better considered early on.

3. Ask for what you need even if it seems silly.  My best example of this is what is known as "the t-word" in our house.  Early on I got so sick of talking about how tired we were, how long the nights were, etc.  So we banned "the t-word" from our house.  You're tired.  I'm tired.  We're all tired.  ALL THE TIME.  Let's stop talking about it and move on.  It's the silliest little thing, and of course it's important to feel like you can talk about anything, but  talking about how tired we were just made me seethe.  So even though it's petty, we banned the word from our vocabularies.  And I've been happier ever since.

IN GENERAL
1. Parenting is a journey.  You'll never be done learning and modifying what you do and how you do it.  Just when you think you've mastered "it," "it" changes (you have your nursing schedule down pat?  Time for solid food).  Try to love the journey, because it's never, ever finished.

2. "You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent."  I saw that motto on a billboard once and I think it's, well, perfect.  You'll make mistakes - you should.  Each mistake just makes you better and gives you a chance to learn.

And the message that is hardest to remember on some days and resonates so, so clearly on others:

3. The days are long, but the years are short.  

Take care of yourself and take care of that new life growing inside.  I'm so happy for you, my friend.  The best is yet to come.
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And for the blog photo-philes ... here are a few shots from the last couple of days of those curious, sweet, active little boys that I am so, so proud of.

Pile of pennies + two piggy banks = 20 minutes of quiet entertainment

We were sure the old slide wouldn't come to the new
house, but ... when the time came, I just couldn't
get rid of it.  They love this thing!

Max working the wind chimes in our new backyard.